It’s been so long.

I’ve been yearning to write here for awhile now, but I’m tired of explaining. ‘Cause the mourning period is over and I try not to think about how he left us and how I’m feeling and how the family is coping with our loss. Some of my friends who read this space doesn’t know what happened and I don’t want them to text me and ask what went wrong. I’m not trying to put up a brave front here and act like nothing’s wrong in front of my friends who knew. It’s just that I try not to get reminded of him, but all his memories keep rushing back to me. There is not one day I live without missing him. I miss him so damn much.

But life goes on, you know? There’s no way we could rewind it no matter how much we’d like to. If someone were to ask me what’s my biggest regret, I’ll say that is when we noticed that he’s been coughing for quite awhile but nobody in the family did anything. That will forever remain as the greatest regret of my life.

Sometimes, or more than often, we take the people around us for granted. So damn granted. Just because when we were born, our parents were around, we assumed that they will always be around. No doubt we have heard about the fact that parents do pass away, but we tell ourselves that that’s not going to happen so quickly to me. Definitely not me. At least not so soon. Look at me, from the time when we knew about the cancer till the day he left, it took less than a year. It was too soon.

It’s really late and I don’t want to make myself feel sad. Guess I shall end here. I didn’t come here to type out these things, but it just came pouring out. Friends who didn’t know, please don’t text me and ask me what happened. I am fine, I am smiling and laughing everyday. It is those moments when you’re doing something and you suddenly realized you used to do these things together with him hurts. Something pierced your heart out of nowhere and then tears filled up your eyes. But I am strong and I am fine. I’m glad he is now living without any pain. I know he’s happy and I hope he’s happy.

It’s really late and I’m sure I’m feeling really drowsy, if this post doesn’t make any sense, don’t worry. I am really strong and I’m really moving on. I’ll be okay.